Kansas City (_peachyxkeen_) wrote in ps_fuck_you,
Kansas City

its been a damn long time since i posted here

First let me state, I am excited as fuck for college
..... but

I was sitting in my bathtub and staring at my wall and thinking "wow, I'm gonna be looking at a totally different wall when I showe next year." And It made me sad.

The thought of leaving my friends doesn't bother me at all. I know true friends stay friends. Maybe thats because I've changed schools so much, I don't know. But I know its true.

But when I start thinking about my home and my family.... it freaks me out. Don't get me wrong, I've gone away for about 2 months a summer for years. I love being away from home.

Only, have you ever been far away from home and gotten really really sick? It sucks. All you want is your mom and your bed. I was in the BVI for fucks sakes but I was so sick that all I wanted to do was get on a plane, fly home, get into bed and have my mommy feed me food that wouldn't taste as bad on the way up anymore.

Or what about that feeling of coming home? And you are just home. There is no fucking place like home. You just come back and your in a safe place, a place where you know you are loved.

I have kissed my dad goodnight everynight (except when I'm away) for 17 and a half years. I'm not going to have that next year.

What is going to happen when I get sick at school? I'm going to have to go buy my own ginerale. When my head hurts, I'm going to massage it myself. The only person who will put tiger balm on my shoulder when is swollen is me. When I come back to my dorm, am I going to feel like I'm safe or will I just feel like i'm in a strangers room, sleeping in their bed and just out of place? I'm going to have to kiss myself goodnight and so is my dad.

I keep getting this feeling of... am I ready? I feel ready. I feel excited and joyful etc.

But then I start thinking about, I'm only seventeen, I'll only just be eighteen when I start college. How could I be ready? I know we feel like adults, with our cars, jobs, our moving out, our love and our partying, but we aren't. It's like pacy said in dawsons creek, we're not adults. We're kids. In a year or two years or even three we'll look back at ourselves and go "wow, I was such a child." I don't care who feels like they are 28 year olds stuck inside a teenagers body. You aren't. Your a teenager and we still have so goddamned much to learn.

What type of experince do most of us have? Few of us have had to support ourselves. Some of us have never even had to manage our money, we just get what we want and spend what we want. Me, I've had to learn to budget but I can't say that about everyone.

We are immature and petty. And there isn't anything wrong with that. We're kids. We're just kids and we're going to have to deal next year. I know we are all excited and feel ready, but how can we be? Living on your own. It will be a wonderful thing but at the same time it is going to be a rude awakening. Fuck, it might not even be that for some people, some people will probably still have all the benefits they had when they were in highschool. I know that my parents are still going to help me out, but not like they do now.

So all in all, yes I want to go to college so badly. But I'm not stupid about it. I know that it won't be everything most of us think it will be. I know because I've talked to people. I know because I've thought about it.

And in conclusion, I still cannot fuckin' wait.
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